Active-duty soldiers and veterans struggling to live up to the “hero” persona are coming forward to urge others to seek the help they need.
One soldier stepping forward is Adam Moore. He began his service as a teenager, not even old enough to drink.
“I started my career as a reservist, hurt my left knee while I was a reservist. Didn’t get any help, but I was still a minor,” Moore said.
He would, after six years in the reserves, join the Lord Strathcona’s Horse (Royal Canadians) armoured unit. He says this was not a move that benefited his mental health.
“A sergeant major once told me he doesn’t believe in mental health.”
During his service, his injuries held him back and he struggled with the perception of being a hero, when he felt others were more deserving of the title.
“I didn’t do anything really special in my career. I did fires, floods, just typical stuff,” Moore said.
“So, it felt like maybe I knew I needed help, but there were guys that did more things that also needed help and aren’t getting help.
“So I feel like I’m taking resources away that are already extremely limited.”
Eventually, Moore left the military, but his mental struggles persisted.
“I got out of the army; I was so fed up. I didn’t really have a plan. I got some free training to run equipment and then COVID hit, so I was kind of just grasping at straws to keep everything afloat, which led to me getting a divorce and everything just kept snowballing from there.”
The battle facing soldiers and veterans is often silent and one that is fought alone.
“It’s hard to say, ‘I’m not OK’ and admit that to yourself,” Moore said.
For Kevin Roth, a master sailor on the ship HMCS Vancouver and a veteran of the Afghanistan war, the demons that tortured him propelled him to some dark places.
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“There have been times, personally, through my journey that I have contemplated suicide.”
He says he knows not everyone is able to survive this fight.
“Not everyone is successful and they lose their fight with suicide and mental illness. I was definitely down that road as well,” Roth said.
He says the war on mental health begins long before a person can even admit to themselves that they are fighting it.
“The hardest part of that whole journey is just admitting it to yourself. It’s a struggle, it’s long,” Roth said. “Definitely seek help, because the hardest step is saying, ‘I’m hurting and I need help.’”
For some soldiers, the struggle comes only after they hang up the uniform.
Jason Trenholm, like Moore, served with the Lord Strathcona’s Horse (Royal Canadians). When he was 21 years old, Trenholm accomplished his dream of enlisting — but when he left the Forces, he was lost as it was the only life he knew as an adult.
“I was really struggling with, ‘I’m no longer a soldier, who am I now?”
He says he found employment, but it just wasn’t enough.
“I ended up with a great job, it just felt like I wasn’t being of service,” Trenholm said.
He now works with OSI-CAN, helping veterans and first responders connect to share life-like experiences as a means of healing.
This peer-to-peer support is what helped Moore remain standing.
“It’s exhausting, it’s very hard to want to keep pushing. If my buddies that weren’t already kind of ahead of me in getting help weren’t there to push me, like, ‘Hey man, it’ll be worth it,’ I don’t think I would have followed through,” Moore said.
However, Trenholm admits there is a stigma that keeps many from reaching out.
“They know they’re struggling, although they’re putting a good face on. A lot of times, they feel that people have labelled the firefighter, the police officer, the veterans as heroes. Yet, here they are, not able to sustain that perception of what the public or everybody else has of them,” Trenholm said.
For Roth, he hopes to be a beacon of hope for any soldier who is afraid of this stigma.
“I don’t really look at, for me personally, the heroism of the public of not stepping up. I try to be that example of ‘this is something that we should do for our members,’” Roth said.
Despite the hardships, pain and suffering, Trenholm and the others have a strong message for any soldier, veteran or civilian struggling to see the light.
“Have faith and be grateful. With that gratitude comes a lot of understanding of what our actual blessings are and they are there. Even though you’re struggling, there is hope and it will get better,” Trenholm said.
If you or someone you know is in crisis and needs help, resources are available. In case of an emergency, please call 911 for immediate help.
For immediate mental health support, call 988. For a directory of support services in your area, visit the Canadian Association for Suicide Prevention at suicideprevention.ca.
Learn more about preventing suicide with these warning signs and tips on how to help.